How Writing Saved my Marriage

A few years ago, I was a brand new mom hell bent on doing the best job I could to raise my children—which to me meant I would stay home and raise my children while my husband went to work.  We never meant it as a statement on gender roles or my mental aptitude for success, no.  He and I met young and he was in a stable industry which promised us a secure income (not bathing in hundred dollar bills, mind you).  When I finished college we made a choice that instead of heading off to a nine to five job we would start a family and as soon as our children were in school we could readdress the issue of my job-seeking. 

At the twedding bandime, I thought this was a fantastic idea and to this day I still agree with my initial decision.  It made little sense for me (a trained Archeologist by day and a Telemetry Tech by night) to go after a job that would keep me traveling or force us to move and thus make him give up his secure job. 

After our first child was born, I decided that I wanted to do something for my child and I decided to write a children’s book in honor of their entrance into the world.  Amazingly enough, though I knew virtually nothing about publishing, the book was picked up by a publishing house and my journey as an author began.

During this time, I tried to promote my book (though these were the days before the Facebook and Twitter booms).  I reached out to all the people I knew and pocket sold a fair amount of books.  I loved that in some small way I could contribute financially to our growing family. 

Soon we had a two-year-old and another on the way.  And just as soon as I found out I was pregnant with the second child I soon found out that we were having a miscarriage.  I blamed myself.  I blamed my life.  I blamed the world.  In hind sight I know that it was just one of those things which happens to many women—it was unstoppable.  Against our doctor’s orders we went ahead and got pregnant again—and six months into the pregnancy I was told I would have to be on bed rest for the next four months.  The time was maddening. 

While confined to a bed I considered writing more children’s books, but after having gone through the marketing and distribution of the first book I made a choice—writing children’s books just wasn’t the direction I wanted to go.  I needed more of a mental challenge.  I wanted to write full length fiction—and more than that I wanted to write romance—the genre that I had always wanted to write, but had previously been scared to admit to my friends and family. 

Before I could begin my first romance novel, my second child was born—only a few weeks early and relatively healthy.  The days and nights flew by and soon my husband was back to work and taking care of our family’s financial needs.  I found that I was by myself with two small children all day (he worked nights) while he slept and then was by myself when he went to work and the kids went to bed.  I kept thinking about writing the romance novel of my dreams, but each time I thought “I’m not creative enough…”

Each time I started to pick up the pen I made another excuse as to why I couldn’t do what I wanted.   I began feeling the strains of being a new mom, of being lonely (I didn’t want to be a mom that watched the clock and waited for the exact minute my husband was supposed to be home), of not financially contributing to our family, and I still held wounds from losing our second baby. 

In an effort to follow my heart and to begin the healing process, I started writing short stories and pieces for parenting magazines—it was a comfortable move from children’s fiction to family-centered non-fiction.  I loved writing the pieces and before long found I had a small cult following.  I then won a writing contest in which I talked about the emotional rollercoaster which followed the loss of a pregnancy. 

That win pushed me.  Someone…well not just someone, but many…loved what I wrote.  That day I sat down and started writing my first novel. 

I had never written a full length novel.  I’d never written creative fiction—not even in college. But I knew it was what I wanted.  I wanted to create a work of fiction and contribute intellectually to the world.  I wanted to show those who thought I was just a stay at home mom who was strapped to the kitchen stove—I could do more (during this time someone—not my husband—told me that they would never have married a woman like me as I had no earning potential).  Nothing drives me more than being put down.  I always cheer for the underdog. 

The first book I wrote took me a year to write.  I sent it out with the blind hope that someone else would love what I had to write. 

The book failed.

failure2

It failed big.

One editor told me I should go back to college (oh, how I wish I was kidding).  I cried in my husband’s arms and hated that I had given up a year to write the book.  I hated the thought that I had spent time which I could have given to my children in order to follow my dream.  I felt selfish and stupid.  I pitied myself and cursed my dream.  I fell back into the loneliness of being a stay at home mom with a husband who worked nights. 

And then one day my husband asked me what I wanted to do.  As much as the wounds of failing hurt, I told him I still wanted to be a writer.  I didn’t care if I ever made money, but I wanted to see my name on the cover of a book in print.   Just as before, he promised his love and support.  And in that moment I realized what a wonderful man I had married.  Here he was accepting that I may never get published, that I may never contribute anything to the family, and yet he knew I was going to require many hours in which he would need to take the kids and keep the household in order so that I could write and focus on my dream.  He promised that we would work together and he would support me in whatever I wanted to do—regardless of the outcome. 

Again I was barraged with insults from strangers and family alike—why would I keep on doing this if I had failed?  Why didn’t I just stick to children’s fiction?  The best—That I didn’t care about my family because I was selfishly going after my own foolish desires (talk about pouring salt on a wound).   I drove on.  I joined professional organizations for romance authors.  I joined critique groups.  I spent our money on going to conferences so that I could take more classes and talk to authors.  I gave my dream everything I had. 

I wrote another book.  I submitted.  I waited for the rejection letters/hate mail.  Because this isn’t fiction I have to admit the letters started coming and I was faced with the possibility that once again I may have failed.  But then I received an offer… and another…and another…and another…

Fast-forward a couple of years to today.  As I sit here and write this I am proud to say that my family is stronger than it has ever been.  My husband still works nights, but in a funny turn of events I now look forward to his going so I can focus on writing.  I have a book out in print and several more as e-books.  I have made the bestsellers list on different occasions.  I have signed a multiple book contract with Crimson Romance for The Nymph Series (the second book comes out May 6 entitled Montana Mustangs).  I have met several amazing editors in person who I thought I would never meet.  I have met several famous authors and been absolutely star-struck.  I have won more awards for my writing.  I have taken a job at a publishing house.  I have started to teach classes to new authors.  I’ve been featured in The Independent, the Missoulian, several other newspapers/magazines, and USA Today.  I’m succeeding at following my dream. 

I have to admit that I have more dreams.  I think once you take one step you must take another or you will only stand still.  My biggest dream?  One day I hope that I will make the USA Today and New York Times Bestsellers lists. 

Yet, if this dream is not fulfilled I’m okay.  I have the knowledge that I have had the courage to stand up against neigh Sayers and the fortitude to survive heartbreak.  And most of all I have the most amazing husband in the world and I know that if I wouldn’t have had him and his support I would have never had the strength to follow my dreams.  So to him—Thank you, you are incredible. 

7 comments to How Writing Saved my Marriage

  • Lynn B

    I have always been impressed with what you do but now I am just totally blown away with what an amazing, strong woman you are. I may struggle with the paranormal and it is not necessarily my genre of choice but I have always been proud of you for what you have accomplished just in the year and a half that I have known you.
    You are correct that you have an awesome husband and it is very clear when you are together how supportive he is. I also believe the fact that you are following your dream is setting a wonderful example for those two beautiful angels of yours.
    Keep following your dreams and I see best seller lists in you future.

  • He is incredible…so are you! I’m quite sure you’ll make those best-seller lists.

  • Sharon Kleve

    Danica,
    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for your loss, but also very happy your write.

  • What a wonderful story, Danica. Thank you for your candor, openness, and especially for the invitation to your readers to admit we, too, are flawed, scared sometimes, but that we can encourage one another to hold onto our dreams.

  • A very inspirational post, Danica. Good for you sticking with your dreams. I see a story in this story of a great romance. Yes, rejections hit hard, but once you fight your way to a semblence of recognition and do what you love, have the supportive husband you love, well, I guess it can be better, but I don’t see how.

    You’ve come a long way baby. Now keep it going.

  • What a beautiful story of following your passion, Danica. Thanks for sharing with us. :)

  • How very cool of you to share. I imagine a lot of women out there have been exactly where you where. I was. Let’s wish for them the success you had, Danica!

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